Heightened Grief and Wholehearted Healing

‍ ‍02/26/2026

Heightened Grief and Wholehearted Healing

The Hidden Weight of Grief

Healing after loss can look quiet, hidden, deeply internal, and so different for many women. After losing our middle son 5 years ago, this image of hidden wounds became my reality. The loss of our middle son reshaped me and quietly raised my expectations. I didn’t even realize I was carrying this hidden expectation because I was so broken I couldn’t even see it.

Recently, I attended a grief retreat with couples who have lost children at Recently, I attended a grief retreat with couples who have lost children at Respite Retreat at the Beach, where couples are given space to sit with other couples who understand this kind of loss where couples are given space to sit with other couples who understand this kind of loss. One of the most meaningful conversations we experienced there was about how grief can raise our expectations. That phrase—grief raising our expectations—stayed with me. I couldn’t shake it.

As I reflected on it, I began to see how grief doesn’t just break our whole hearts; it changes the lens through which we see everything. It quietly changes what we start expecting from God, our spouses, our children, and even ourselves.

As I sat with that more deeply, I began to see at this retreat how my expectations had shifted after losing my son. I found myself reflecting on negative thinking patterns I developed due to my heightened grief:

"If I do everything right from now on, nothing will fall apart."

"If I work harder and stay stronger, maybe I won’t feel this again."

"If my kids behave and life runs smoothly, maybe I’ll feel calm inside—more in control—and begin to heal."

Over time, through the retreat and many heart-healing sessions, I realized these expectations weren’t sustainable.

They weren’t coming from a place of peace, but from a place of pure brokenness. I was trying to hold everything together and make life feel safe again.

I told myself I’d be more patient, more present, less emotional. And as time went on, I fell short on my own promises, and the grief resurfaced. Then the cycle of negative thoughts began all over again—not just about who we lost as a family, but about who I was failing to be as a wife, mother, and child of God.

It felt like grief layered upon grief.

When Grief Shows Up in Everyday Life

Through the retreat and heart healing, I realized grief had been hijacking my peace, and I needed my heart to be healed through the Holy Spirit and the renewing of my mind with God's Word.

When our family lost Charlie, my six-year-old son, unexpectedly, grief didn’t just make me sad and angry.

It made me quietly irritable.
Impatient.
Overwhelmed.

I wasn’t loud about my pain; instead, I became sharp around the edges—like a porcupine.

I was impatient with my husband and my children—not because I didn’t love them, but because I was carrying a depth of pain I didn’t know how to express very well, except by planting hundreds of tulips each year to make Mother's Day more bearable—to plant tears I couldn't cry and to honor all the parents who have lost a loved one.

It took some time, but through biblical counseling, grief share, grief retreat, and inner healing prayer, I slowly began to see that more clearly.

As I began to see it, I also noticed how it was showing up in my everyday life.

Sometimes I disciplined my children more quickly than I should have. Sometimes I expected them to behave perfectly because everything inside me already felt out of control. I wasn’t doing well, even if it looked like I was. I appeared put together, but I was hiding a storm of emotions.

Sometimes I withdrew.
Sometimes I pushed myself physically more than I should have.

Pain had raised my expectations without me realizing it.

Learning to Let Go and Heal

I found myself trying, in my own strength, to build a house of peace, telling my heart to keep striving rather than resting in His healing presence.

I convinced myself to believe a lie: that if I just tried harder, held it together better, or stayed stronger, maybe I wouldn’t feel so broken.

But that way of living and thinking couldn’t hold.

And when things didn’t go the way I thought they should, the ache returned—just as strong as before.

It was in that place that I started to realize the heart work of healing wasn’t about doing it in my own strength. It became about becoming aware of my brokenness and inviting love into those hurting places to start healing what was broken.

Psalm 34:18 reminds us, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

God does not rush our healing.
He draws near to the brokenhearted.

Wholehearted Healing

In that place, I found myself drawn back to scripture, and Romans 8:18 began to speak and heal my heart in a new way:

“Our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

Not glory around us.
Glory revealed in us.

I began to believe that even my pain was being shaped into something holy and wholehearted.

Healing our hearts can be beautiful.
It is sacred.

And it is where wholehearted healing begins.

Amended on April 20, 2026

After I wrote this, I began a sacred journey in inner healing. Writing this became part of what gave me the courage to begin the PHH certification program for heart healing, which I am currently in the middle of completing.

Romans 8:18 also led me to realize that in the midst of our present suffering, there is more the Holy Spirit wants to reveal through His glory. I remember asking myself, “How do I find glory in the middle of suffering?”

The answer came clearly: intimacy in God’s presence.

That became my “why.”

I knew I needed to stop stagnating—stop holding back—and step into the training and growth in front of me.

As I entered the first part of my internship, the Lord began healing my health—and then my heart.

One thing I learned during this journey as a heart healing student, which has stayed with me:

I may be practicing heart healing.

But the Holy Spirit is never practicing.

He met me in my broken places and began healing my heart alongside others who were also learning. I was in awe.
Of what prayer can do when two or more gather in His name.

If this resonates with you and you’re longing for deeper heart healing, you’re not alone. I’d be honored to walk with you.

You can reach me here: https://www.joyofbecoming.com/contact

And for those who have lost a child, there are places like Respite Retreat at the Beach—a space to be seen, to sit with others who understand, and to begin healing in ways that don’t have to be forced.—a space to be seen, to sit with others who understand, and to begin healing in ways that don’t have to be forced.